15 Apr 2015

keri: (Default)
I think it's kind of funny the way I can be typing away in the Semagic window and doing psychology on myself.

I mean, as I was typing away just now about this whole apartment situation and my uncertainties and thoughts about it, I kept going back and editing my words as I saw my writing and recognized patterns that my therapists taught me over the last few decades (this is why my last attempt with a therapist wasn't very productive - I wasn't really learning anything new), and immediately switched my train of thought to squelch the anxiety and make whatever the problem was manageable and not scary. Just like my therapists would do during our sessions.

This is an odd little effect that LJ has had for me this entire decade, and it's why I keep returning to post these flocked, personal drama things, even as I send stupid nothings to Twitter, where I'd be willing to chat with folks (I used to do that on LJ, after all, back when people were still around chatting...)

Speaking of twitter, I'm kind of unhappy with how strongly it is becoming associated with my meatspace identity, and I don't know how to change that, and I don't know if I need to change that, except I'm a lot more comfortable being "me" and social online, and it's terrifying to think of people bringing up my online activities when talking to me in person. Part of the reason I adore Sash so much is that she isn't really into social media stuff, so I feel safe being "me" around her...this is really dumb, but it's like I'm afraid that "online-me" and "offline-me" are inherently incompatible, even though I'm completely the same person both ways, and it's different from the guarded way I present myself in social/work/family contexts. (My brother & his gf, Sash are basically the only people I'm comfortable being openly "me" with - not hiding my weird quirks or feeling bad for them, freely referring to my gayce identity and political/religious/social beliefs, and so on). I need to hang out with Sash soon. Maybe I should text her about this apartment dilemma and see what she suggests.

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