keri: ([szs] so i herd u r desparin (mudkip sen)
I haven't posted anything to DW since topping off my journal transfer because I keep meaning to go back and make all my embarrassing decade-old-age-20-and-suicidally-depressed stuff private.

But who is actually going to scroll back and read all that (they should be locked anyway, I guess). (DEFINITELY NOT ME I CAN'T BEAR IT JUST RELIVING IT IN MY HEAD IS ENOUGH.)

I'm posting now because I need a release valve for some anxiety, naturally. I can't do it on twitter because i have local followers (library, museum...people who know me but i don't know, it's kind of terrifying) and this is something i'm keeping close to my chest.

See: i just applied for a new job. I was practically poached for it, and I'm terrified that I'm not qualified, and I've not even been in my current job for a year, technically. (I mean, I guess I've been in this job for FOUR YEARS but i was officially promoted to it on July 16, 2016. Yes, a Saturday - that's when our payroll week starts.)

It's the Coordinator of Data Management position at UNF, and it's been open for about a year. They almost hired someone three different times, but it fell through each time. So I don't really want to blab about it in case something happens this time, too, and I stay with MOCA. It's a public job posting, you can see the description at UNFJobs.org. I didn't apply for two reasons 1) museum loyalty 2) preferred qualifications include a master's degree and skills that i have no hope of learning without on-the-job training or in school. BUT the director of the department herself told me to apply, and that it's okay if I don't have the right degrees, because i have more important experience in the department already AND i did get accepted to grad school in the right field, and i'm sincerely interested in growing my skills. (I really, really want to learn SQL instead of the dabbling I did 10 years ago.)

This job would be hugely beneficial to me, but after 7 years, my self-identity is so invested in the museum that it's kind of hard to do, you know? but i remind myself that I'm not getting the support or training that i need where i am, and also i really hate certain aspects of my job (SALES i hate selling things) that don't exist in the new one, AND with this new position, i could still go back to museums in the future. also i would still be supporting the museum, just more behind the lines and in a place that's less financially unstable. (the economy is super precarious for museums right now, especially if your job is fundraising - it feels like as robust as your current donors might be, there's a corner approaching that hides a cliff, you know?)

anyway, i never write in my journal except anxiety release valve posts so here we go.

ps
my tumblr is really awesome i have 830+ followers and only like a handful are porn blogs i can't believe more than 800 people care about screencaps of handwriting in old movies, i am such a nerd but i'm not the only one ha ha ha

news!

5 Aug 2016 07:56 am
keri: (Default)
so all spring and June there i was fretting about work and what do i do and i don't want to work for my boss but i want the job etc etc etc

almost all of our senior staff has left since january. entire departments are gone or halved.

i sat down with our deputy director mid-june i think i wrote about this, because i talked to a guy from another non-profit about a job opening? anyway, because of that i approached our deputy director, who is one of the longest employees we have (the other is the restaurant chef) and laid it out. there was a lot of stress on my part, and uncertainty in general about what would happen.

the summary is that i got promoted and began my new job recently. there was about a month of transition because of scheduling, but i have just finished my first full week salaried in the development department. (I never wanted to have a career in fundraising but i guess here i am?) well actually i guess it started back in january because so far i'm not really doing anything new, and isn't that a shame, that except for the autonomy and actually getting to make decisions and handle things, i've been doing this job for 6 months without adequate support.

i'm not shy of saying my salary, especially since it's public records: i earn $36,000 annually now. :) that's almost twice as much as i was earning as a receptionist! it's not a lot in the grand scheme (and I could be earning more in a private org), but it is a lot to me, and it's above the arithmetic mode of salaries at work (especially right now!). it's enough that i will be able to pay down my student loans enough to be able to afford to move out in a year or two!

i have been fighting a lot of Imposter Syndrome so far, mostly because even though i am capable of the job, it's not as second nature as being a receptionist yet, and there are a lot of things i've never had cause to learn. and others where i came in to the middle of a bunch of different projects without much preparation, so i'm playing catch up to figure out where things stand.

it's exciting and scary and i'm so happy to have the promise of financial security and the ability to have my own place in the near future!
keri: (chilling)
oh hey

did you know about my tumblr?

it is http://hollywoodhandwriting.tumblr.com

and it is AMAZING.

it is literally 100% just screencaps of handwriting from old movies. letters, lists, telegrams, door/mailbox labels, signatures -- if it's handwritten, I take a stillframe and eventually upload it to my blog. (posts every Friday evening) sometimes if we're lucky i manage to get a GIF!

i am super proud of my blog. i've been running it for 1.5 years and have 255 followers and over 100 posts. i have seen a LOT of movies in the last three years. i actually started screencapping the handwriting examples about 9 months before i began posting, so i would have plenty of archives to choose from in case i went through a dry spell with no examples to be had or just not watching movies for a while. (i haven't seen a movie since my May vacation at Disney, actually, going on 3 weeks now, because i've been too tired and reading has had more appeal)
keri: (Default)
my boobs hurt so much these last two days i feel like i am DYING but i know it's NOTHING compared to how much i feel like i'll be dying come Thursday/Friday/Saturday when my period finally starts (there is a direct correlation between how exhausted i am on the weekend previous + boob hurtiness and how bad my period cramps are, but i can't really tell which day it will begin)


also you may have noticed from lack of chatter about it, i have not moved into my sister's apartment yet. stuff came up with needing repairs/appliances/fucking air conditioning, so it's been delayed for the foreseeable future which is why i didn't want to talk about it or look forward to it in the first place mom (but no, she said "it's basically a done thing!" and convinced me not to listen to my gut)


i started riding my bike again a couple weekends ago after avoiding it because of a) tired and b) heat/rain, which is good, but also June and July were Very Bad months for living/eating healthfully, and i had lost weight last spring and now i've gained it all back, and it's frustrating. i need to eat fewer processed foods/carbs, but it's really difficult when i'm usually too tired to put effort into it - sometimes just looking at my asparagus makes me feel weary from the effort that it takes to eat it later, you know? even though it's my favorite vegetable. so i end up with soft food which is usually bread or sweet. i've been pleased with myself for eating new and different stuff at the food trucks, and especially that i'm picking things that have vegetables in, and veggies that i don't even normally like, besides. but it's kind of pricey and still not as healthful as it could be, i guess. anyway, it's discouraging. i want to eat better and then i feel so much guilt when i don't, but sometimes the effort to eat better is too much.

Packing

5 May 2015 12:58 am
keri: (Default)
I feel kind of grown up - instead of a big duffle bag and several smaller tote bags, I am using an actual piece of Samsonite luggage for my long weekend vacation (is it still a long weekend when it's 4 nights/5 days?). I've all my clothes packed up, and there's still room for my toiletries and blanket!

It's a lot of clothes, too, because I hate not having options when dressing in the morning.
3 sundresses
3 bike shorts for under my dresses
3 pairs of shorts
4 tank top shirts
4 short sleeve shirts
1 long-sleeved tshirt for night-time lake sitting (mosquitos!)
2 bathing suits (so I can swim 2x/day and not have to put on a wet suit, ick)
2 beach towels
1 knee-length yoga pants (for the gym)
2 gym shirts
pyjama pants
6 pairs of socks (extras just in case)
pool flip-flops

I still have to pack (and this is a reference list for me, too):
sneakers
underwear + bras
toiletries (shampoo, shavers, face + body washes, deodorant, teeth stuff, sunscreen, bug spray)
hair things (extra elastics and barrettes in case any break, bobby pins to make sure pink hair doesn't get wet in the pool)
blankie
knit green blanket (because hotels never have small blankets)
sweatshirt (might not, because of the long-sleeved t-shirt)
cool/sweat rag for the parks
hat

All of the above will fit into my suitcase, it's amazing.

and also entertainment things that MAY fit, or go in a smaller bag
knitting supplies (2 balls of yarn + needles + pattern + notions)
2 paperback books (Jingo and Dark Mirror: The Rise of Anti-Jewish Medieval Iconography)
hobonichi techo + decoration things (and my Now Playing TCM guide to fill in empty pages)
phone charger cords
mp3 charging cord
laptop

I'm always worried about rainy days making it no fun to go out, and when that happens, I go to one of the resorts with lots of indoor lounging places with a book/knitting and just relax for a while. And then since I'm gone 4 nights, I have my laptop to help with any FP+ or dining reservations that I want to fix, and to catch up on the internet before bed or while i"m waking up in the morning.
more talking about my trip plans )

I leave on Friday after work! I'm staying at Coronado Springs again, because it was the least expensive moderate resort, and hopefully will have as great a room as I had in January.
keri: (Default)
I think it's kind of funny the way I can be typing away in the Semagic window and doing psychology on myself.

I mean, as I was typing away just now about this whole apartment situation and my uncertainties and thoughts about it, I kept going back and editing my words as I saw my writing and recognized patterns that my therapists taught me over the last few decades (this is why my last attempt with a therapist wasn't very productive - I wasn't really learning anything new), and immediately switched my train of thought to squelch the anxiety and make whatever the problem was manageable and not scary. Just like my therapists would do during our sessions.

This is an odd little effect that LJ has had for me this entire decade, and it's why I keep returning to post these flocked, personal drama things, even as I send stupid nothings to Twitter, where I'd be willing to chat with folks (I used to do that on LJ, after all, back when people were still around chatting...)

Speaking of twitter, I'm kind of unhappy with how strongly it is becoming associated with my meatspace identity, and I don't know how to change that, and I don't know if I need to change that, except I'm a lot more comfortable being "me" and social online, and it's terrifying to think of people bringing up my online activities when talking to me in person. Part of the reason I adore Sash so much is that she isn't really into social media stuff, so I feel safe being "me" around her...this is really dumb, but it's like I'm afraid that "online-me" and "offline-me" are inherently incompatible, even though I'm completely the same person both ways, and it's different from the guarded way I present myself in social/work/family contexts. (My brother & his gf, Sash are basically the only people I'm comfortable being openly "me" with - not hiding my weird quirks or feeling bad for them, freely referring to my gayce identity and political/religious/social beliefs, and so on). I need to hang out with Sash soon. Maybe I should text her about this apartment dilemma and see what she suggests.
keri: (OMFG IT'S A PINEAPPLE UKELELE!!!!)
All I have ever wanted, for select definitions of "all" and "ever", is a way to watch TCM on my laptop without having to borrow the TV from my parents. And any movie whenever I want, since half the time the ones I want to see air in the middle of the night (the other half of the time, it's when I'm at work).

WELL.

You guys may have heard?

TCM has recently (as in it was announced on November 6 or so) launched WatchTCM - an app and website where you can livestream TCM East and West (3 hour delay for West) OR watch most movies on demand for a week after they air. I think it's a week?

Anyway. It's like HBOGO where you need to already subscribe to the channel through your cable or satellite provider, so I had to beg our log-in credentials off my parents. But I've basically been camped out with it all week watching screwballs and musicals from the 1930s and 1940s.

It's even better because all November, Matthew Broderick is hosting "Screwball Classics" every Friday night. 3-6 screwball comedies and musicals every Friday night you guys! It's like a DREAM COME TRUE except I don't have time to watch them all. :(

Also, the app is missing a few features, like a way to mark movies as being favorites or wishlist to buy later. And I don't know if marking them To Watch means that they'll show up again automatically on my watchlist the next time they air (TCM has a TON of movies in their library, but they still repeat some films, like The Awful Truth plays every few months which is good because it's in my top ten, though Theodora Goes Wild is also up there after seeing it yesterday and I don't think I'd been aware of it before, even though it's Irene Dunne and I love her).

But it's great! and wonderful!

And for those of you NaNoWriMoers, they've got a film called Blonde Inspiration which is available until the 19th and it's about this writer who isn't very successful at selling his stories, but things happen and he gets a break, but he has to write an entire novel in one day for a magazine. Maybe it's actually a novella? but the point is: it's hilarious and fun and the gags are amazing and y'all should watch it because it's topical.
keri: (nicki - hahaha...no)
I stopped taking the beta blocker prescribed to keep my heartrate down recently. I just don't feel that great when I'm on it, and when I stop taking it, I feel SO much better mentally, even if I'm suffering the POTS symptoms more severely (at least, the ones related to my heart - the others never go away, they just aren't as obvious :P).

Yesterday, though, was AMAZING. I felt so good, didn't find myself guzzling water like a dehydrated camel, wasn't running out of breath talking to someone while standing up, &c. The only thing I did differently, that I can think of, is that I wore tights. That's it. I know that they recommend those constricting hose for people with severe POTS, but didn't think it would make much of a difference for me, since I really do have a milder version. WELL. All afternoon, especially after I've been standing up for a bit, I've felt this weird feeling in my ankles and feet. I don't know how to describe it, but it's like I'm suddenly hyper aware of the blood flow and pooling, and then starting to move again properly when I sit or lie down. Right now, my feet feel positively burning as I lie down after getting up to pee.

So maybe I need to embrace the official start of fall and wear tights every day.

Also, this water thing. You guys, if I'm so dehydrated that I've guzzled 72oz of water today and still felt like I needed more, why am i peeing so much. I mean, obviously I'm drinking water, so I have to pee. But if it's a dehydration thing, shouldn't I be retaining the stuff instead of having to piss like a racehorse every 90 minutes? I swear I've peed SO many times today. And it was never colorless like you'd expect with that much water, not compared to how it looks when I drink only 30oz in a single day mixed in with cokes and stuff.

Maybe I need to start making it a point to add salt to my diet again.
keri: (mr snicket is a man of mystery)

There was an anti-war demonstration today, and I happened to be nearby to see a bit of it going on and also overhear some acquaintances being kind of racist about it. I broke in and said, "You know, you really can't talk about Syrian-Americans like that. Besides, you don't even know it, but my family is part-Syrian - my grandmother's older siblings were all born in Syria."
 

They shouldn't have been saying such racist, prejudiced shit even if my family doesn't have Syrian ancestry, but let them ponder on the fact that they're saying nasty stuff about a person they actually know and see regularly. You know what I mean?

Of course, I have a large, blended family. My Syrian grandmother is actually my step-parent's mom, but as I've been close to that family since I was a child, and they were close friends with my mom's parents back in the day, I never use the "step" prefix, and it doesn't occur to me to do so unless I'm talking about my "dads" or something. I often call my second parents "smom" or "sdad".

Anyway, being proud of my grandmother and loving her dearly, I pulled up her photo on my phone and showed it off. I said how their statements about the demonstrators and other Syrian-Americans were completely unfounded and unfair, and saying that they're all Islamic terrorists is plain wrong. My grandmother has siblings and cousins who continue to live in the area, and they are all Catholic! But they still have a lot of ties to Syria, like folkloric stuff (mmm, Sito's kibbeh is amazeballs, kinda literally?).


I showed another picture of my family, including all of us siblings and our parents, and this is my favorite part: I was told that seeing the pictures and knowing about my grandmother, my acquaintance finally understood why I have a "foreign" look - I take after my grandmother and the Syrian/Arabic genes are strong in me. Of the five of us siblings, I'm the one who most resembles her. (!!!!!)


Grandaddy is the blue-eyed All-American type, by the way. Of my stepsiblings, one is more stereotypical Middle Eastern in appearance while the other was the pale china doll type until puberty, when blond hair turned brown. So I sort of laughed and said "maybe!" even though I know good and well that at least in our family, the "Arabic Race" thing is bullshit, and the fact that I have brown-black hair, thick lashes, and green eyes is more due to the British Isles influence of the Purdy line (my Nanny's mother's maiden name - I take after Nanny and Granny strongly).


As a reminder: Sito and Grandaddy
Me and my Nanny (Two peas in a pod in this photo, especially!)
Five siblings (one of the photos I showed)
My sisters
keri: (oranges is nommy)
I suppose I should post these recipes in case you guys need to go to the grocery store tomorrow because you HAVE to have them for Thursday or Friday or something.

Brie and Blackberry Wontons )

Strawberry Bruschetta )

Thai Turkey Meatballs )

Blueberry Jam (Savory!) )

Okay, so these recipes are kind of awkward but I tried to simplify them and make them read better. You can probably do all sorts of substitutions - these were primarily meant to be like YAY DRISCOLL'S BERRIES. Also, you can swap out the berries for all of these. I think a raspberry or blackberry jam would be best with the turkey meatballs, and I'd do blueberry wontons and blackberry bruschetta, but that's just me.

This was at the culinary demonstration at the Food & Wine Festival, and they mentioned a bunch of things like NEVER rinse your berries until you're ready to use them, because rinsing is bad (actually, it removes the natural coatings, and so they spoil faster). Also, if you have a bunch of fresh herbs, you can put them into an ice cube tray with a bit of water and freeze them. Then let the ice cube melt and you'll have fresh herbs. There was a similar tip for dried-out bread, but using the microwave.

I actually liked the meatball, didn't think it was too spicy at all, which surprised me, because there's a lot of garlic and ginger and curry paste in there, which are three things I'm not usually crazy about. I think the jam is a good pairing with it. You could probably do this with leftover turkey and just shorten the cookin time.
keri: (wigu - gasp)
Just got out of the shower after spending most of the day in bed, because I feel shitty.

My stepmom loaned me her finger pulse monitor yesterday, so I've been checking on my heart rate every now and then. Right now, it's about 115 beats per minute, but looks like it might be calming a bit now that I'm sitting down. When I was lying down most of the day, it hovered between 88bpm and 96bpm. Last night, while I was driving home from my dad's house, my pulse was mostly around 106bpm - except when I yawned (because I was exhausted) - it would rocket to 116bpm for a few seconds, then settle down again. I thought that was interesting. But when I got out of the car and walked into the house, it shot up to 138bpm and didn't budge until I lay down, at which point it gradually slowed. I've known that getting out of the car or standing up from my desk made me lose my breath a bit, but I didn't realize it correlated to such a jump in my heart rate - until I got the finger monitor, I had to wait until I could sit a moment to check. (I stuck it on before getting out of the car, because I was curious if the loss of breath was related. It was.)

I guess I have an excuse to feel shitty, but I do kind of wonder why I suddenly started to feel so much worse earlier this week (about 5-6 days ago now) compared to the weeks before, when I did have the increased heart rate that I attributed to anxiety, but wasn't losing my breath or feeling so exhausted. If it's related to the steroid injection, it seems a little late coming?

Anyway, I wanted to give an update:

I called my doctors on Thursday and they said "yeah, that's not normal, please come in ASAP" so I visited my GP on Friday afternoon. Thankfully my co-workers were extremely accommodating and helpful when it came to me basically taking a long lunch (I was gone exactly 1.5hours!). They've all been really nice about my complaining, which I hate that I do, but I'm not sure how to change. I've just always got back trouble or something, it seems. Anyway, my doc checked my pulse of course and after sitting quietly in the office for 40minutes or so, it was around 94-96bpm - which is high, but lower than it was at work - and so they gave me an EKG. The EKG showed a steady pulse - no skips or odd flutters - just somewhat fast for someone my age who hasn't been exerting herself at all. I should be around 60bpm, so that's clearly not so great. BUT the EKG also showed that the electrical whatsit wasn't right. There were several spots where it wasn't conducting properly, and they did it twice just to be sure.

So I got an "ASAP" order for the cardiologist to check me out and see why my heart is going crazy. My blood pressure is perfectly normal and in a healthy range, but BP isn't necessarily tied to heart rate.

My cardio appointment is for the 22nd at 3pm, which is the soonest available, but that's 2 weeks out! And meanwhile, I'm losing my breath if I try to have a conversation with anyone (or to leave a voicemail message) or if I'm eating or doing ANYTHING while walking - and sometimes just walking will do it. Now that I think of it, last Saturday when I went to the book signing and stuff I walked to the Landing and back to Chamblin's, several blocks, without trouble from my heart or anything (just a bit of back pain and hip stiffness). And I did my exercises at the PT on Monday without much more trouble than usual. In fact, I didn't notice that I had to catch my breath as much as usual (although the exercises were pretty low-key, they were mostly weight training I guess? using my own body weight, which did require some exertion). So this all definitely ramped up on Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I'll need to put that in my daily diary, which I've been neglecting.

My headaches are still coming and going - it seems to be either caffeine-withdrawal related, or I'm due for an upgrade in my glasses. I think I'm mostly getting them when I've been reading the computer screen or my Kindle a lot, especially when I haven't been wearing my glasses. And my nausea is definitely related to being unable to catch my breath while I'm eating, so slowing down and not eating as much has helped that.

okay, checked my pulse again. The little thingy says it's around 102-103 now, which is pretty standard for when I'm sitting up, so that's good. I want to watch a movie, but it's football night. We don't even have the movies I want to watch, though ("The Emperor's New Groove", "Hercules", "Bringing Up Baby", that other early Cary Grant/Katharine Hepburn one I'm forgetting).
keri: (wigu - gasp)
Just got out of the shower after spending most of the day in bed, because I feel shitty.

My stepmom loaned me her finger pulse monitor yesterday, so I've been checking on my heart rate every now and then. Right now, it's about 115 beats per minute, but looks like it might be calming a bit now that I'm sitting down. When I was lying down most of the day, it hovered between 88bpm and 96bpm. Last night, while I was driving home from my dad's house, my pulse was mostly around 106bpm - except when I yawned (because I was exhausted) - it would rocket to 116bpm for a few seconds, then settle down again. I thought that was interesting. But when I got out of the car and walked into the house, it shot up to 138bpm and didn't budge until I lay down, at which point it gradually slowed. I've known that getting out of the car or standing up from my desk made me lose my breath a bit, but I didn't realize it correlated to such a jump in my heart rate - until I got the finger monitor, I had to wait until I could sit a moment to check. (I stuck it on before getting out of the car, because I was curious if the loss of breath was related. It was.)

I guess I have an excuse to feel shitty, but I do kind of wonder why I suddenly started to feel so much worse earlier this week (about 5-6 days ago now) compared to the weeks before, when I did have the increased heart rate that I attributed to anxiety, but wasn't losing my breath or feeling so exhausted. If it's related to the steroid injection, it seems a little late coming?

Anyway, I wanted to give an update:

I called my doctors on Thursday and they said "yeah, that's not normal, please come in ASAP" so I visited my GP on Friday afternoon. Thankfully my co-workers were extremely accommodating and helpful when it came to me basically taking a long lunch (I was gone exactly 1.5hours!). They've all been really nice about my complaining, which I hate that I do, but I'm not sure how to change. I've just always got back trouble or something, it seems. Anyway, my doc checked my pulse of course and after sitting quietly in the office for 40minutes or so, it was around 94-96bpm - which is high, but lower than it was at work - and so they gave me an EKG. The EKG showed a steady pulse - no skips or odd flutters - just somewhat fast for someone my age who hasn't been exerting herself at all. I should be around 60bpm, so that's clearly not so great. BUT the EKG also showed that the electrical whatsit wasn't right. There were several spots where it wasn't conducting properly, and they did it twice just to be sure.

So I got an "ASAP" order for the cardiologist to check me out and see why my heart is going crazy. My blood pressure is perfectly normal and in a healthy range, but BP isn't necessarily tied to heart rate.

My cardio appointment is for the 22nd at 3pm, which is the soonest available, but that's 2 weeks out! And meanwhile, I'm losing my breath if I try to have a conversation with anyone (or to leave a voicemail message) or if I'm eating or doing ANYTHING while walking - and sometimes just walking will do it. Now that I think of it, last Saturday when I went to the book signing and stuff I walked to the Landing and back to Chamblin's, several blocks, without trouble from my heart or anything (just a bit of back pain and hip stiffness). And I did my exercises at the PT on Monday without much more trouble than usual. In fact, I didn't notice that I had to catch my breath as much as usual (although the exercises were pretty low-key, they were mostly weight training I guess? using my own body weight, which did require some exertion). So this all definitely ramped up on Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I'll need to put that in my daily diary, which I've been neglecting.

My headaches are still coming and going - it seems to be either caffeine-withdrawal related, or I'm due for an upgrade in my glasses. I think I'm mostly getting them when I've been reading the computer screen or my Kindle a lot, especially when I haven't been wearing my glasses. And my nausea is definitely related to being unable to catch my breath while I'm eating, so slowing down and not eating as much has helped that.

okay, checked my pulse again. The little thingy says it's around 102-103 now, which is pretty standard for when I'm sitting up, so that's good. I want to watch a movie, but it's football night. We don't even have the movies I want to watch, though ("The Emperor's New Groove", "Hercules", "Bringing Up Baby", that other early Cary Grant/Katharine Hepburn one I'm forgetting).
keri: (j&w concerned faces)
I feel so horrible right now. I have this massive headache that's been coming and going for days, usually showing up in the evening. I thought maybe it was a lack-of-caffeine kind of headache, because I noticed it first after a day without any cokes, but then tea didn't help, and i've been having it anyway now that I'm back to drinking cokes again. I thought maybe it was dehydration, but it's occurred even after drinking a full bottle of water or more. It's located in the middle of my forehead now, but sometimes is just around my right eye.

And this is in addition to the fact that my heartrate is still really elevated. It was at 110 resting this morning. I usually hang out around 100 when using my exercise bike, going up to 110 or 120 when I'm working especially hard, but it slows down again soon.

At first I thought it was just anxiety, but it's been going on for over a week, maybe a week and a half now. Last monday, my BP was 108/68, even though my heartrate was elevated, so I just assumed it was related to me being at the gyn's office.

I'm not sure what else I'm feeling might be related to that - like the vague nausea or maybe also the headache? probably the occasional loss of breath when standing up is related. but I didn't really start paying attention until yesterday.

I'm going to call my doctor in the morning, but that's in the morning (I coudn't call this morning because his phone number and the paperwork about my epidural steroid injection was all at home, and I didn't think it was that vital to leave work for it), and right now I just feel shitty and don't know what to do to make it better. I've taken an Aleve and had some chocolate and i'm working on another bottle of water. I had a glass of wine, too, because doesn't alcohol slow your heartrate? I don't think it worked, or it was very minor. At an rate, my mom didn't think it'd be a problem.
keri: (j&w concerned faces)
I feel so horrible right now. I have this massive headache that's been coming and going for days, usually showing up in the evening. I thought maybe it was a lack-of-caffeine kind of headache, because I noticed it first after a day without any cokes, but then tea didn't help, and i've been having it anyway now that I'm back to drinking cokes again. I thought maybe it was dehydration, but it's occurred even after drinking a full bottle of water or more. It's located in the middle of my forehead now, but sometimes is just around my right eye.

And this is in addition to the fact that my heartrate is still really elevated. It was at 110 resting this morning. I usually hang out around 100 when using my exercise bike, going up to 110 or 120 when I'm working especially hard, but it slows down again soon.

At first I thought it was just anxiety, but it's been going on for over a week, maybe a week and a half now. Last monday, my BP was 108/68, even though my heartrate was elevated, so I just assumed it was related to me being at the gyn's office.

I'm not sure what else I'm feeling might be related to that - like the vague nausea or maybe also the headache? probably the occasional loss of breath when standing up is related. but I didn't really start paying attention until yesterday.

I'm going to call my doctor in the morning, but that's in the morning (I coudn't call this morning because his phone number and the paperwork about my epidural steroid injection was all at home, and I didn't think it was that vital to leave work for it), and right now I just feel shitty and don't know what to do to make it better. I've taken an Aleve and had some chocolate and i'm working on another bottle of water. I had a glass of wine, too, because doesn't alcohol slow your heartrate? I don't think it worked, or it was very minor. At an rate, my mom didn't think it'd be a problem.
keri: (j&w)
USPS.com says my new inks should be arriving tomorrow or Thursday!!! They just reached the sorting center downtown this afternoon/evening coming out of San Diego, so depending on how early they get to my local PO and get sorted for the delivery truck, I might just be lucky enough to see them tomorrow. :) The only thing is that the package has to arrive by 7 or 8am, I forget which, to get on the delivery truck that departs around 8:30/8:45pm and gets to our block around noon. So most likely it will be Thursday, but I can be surprised!

These are the inks I ordered, after much debate:


Twilight Blue
- because I love teal inks and this one has lovely shading according to the tests/examples I saw at the FountainPenNetwork forums. I want to use it for general use at work, so it's a nice, dark teal. plus it's got more saturation than the cartridges i had been using, which sometimes tended towards grey.
- check out the FPGeeks' Inkcyclopedia for this ink


Green/Black
- again, dark to be suitable for use at work, but still nicely saturated with color. i chose this because it's so dark but has the wonderful green tints. on my screen, this swatch from Diamine is a little darker/more blue than some of the examples at FPN


Eclipse
- and here is a nice black - except that it has great purply and blue bits and is a little bit metallic at times. the swatch is definitely more blue than the purple that all the examples on FPN showed. i wanted to have a pen filled with black for forms and such that the green or teal wouldn't be appropriate for, but i didn't want a true black, so there's this one.

These are the colors on my list to get soon:


Grape
- this is a lovely purple with reddish and grey tones, but nice and dark. it's saturated, but not super bright, which is something i like - so many of the more true, bright purples aren't colors i like to write with regularly these days (and I already have a bunch of Waterman purple cartridges and Diamine Imperial Purple cartridges if I want a bright shade - imperial purple is here)


Syrah
- I was thinking of "merlot brown", but after looking at comparison swatches and such, I think I'm going to go with Syrah, instead - it's a bit more saturated and deeper, less of a washed out brownish red. i don't want a crimson or bloodred ink, but i like this with the pink tones to it


J. Herbin's Larmes de Cassis
- when I'm ready for a sliiiightly more whimsical ink, I think this will be the one - I love how it's a purply reddish pink, nice and deep (this swatch seems to be a bit pale)

I love colors! paints and pastels and inks. when I was in high school, i had an enormous collection of Gelly Roll pens - over 35, I believe? almost every single color available (there were a few I lost or didn't bother with because they were useless for my purposes - i got a pack of the lightning ones, for example, but didn't get further additions to that line, because the silver element made a huge mess in my notebooks and was hard to read).

Here is my wishlist on JetPens.com, where you can see some of the pens and inks I like (keep in mind that I've already purchased several items on the page - I maintain it for repurchasing purposes): http://www.jetpens.com/wishlist?wish_list_id=267ea085d9b2081d

My most recent pen which I ADORE is the Sailor Clear Candy, which I bought in metallic pink. This one:


It writes like a dream, especially with the Sailor black ink cartridge that came with it - and it was only $16.50! I bought pink Clear Candy ink cartridges to replace the black, but it's likely going to be in charge of the Eclipse ink once I use up the pink, or if the pink turns out to be unsuitable for my notes at work. FWIW I don't really care to spend more than $30 on a pen, and it's hard to convince myself to spend more than $20. At least for now...

If you'd like to try a fountain pen and don't want to invest too much, I've found that the Platinum Preppy is rather nice. I'm not entirely fond of the color of the ink in the blue-black one (it tends to be a little grey for me - I like my inks to be highly saturated, though!), but it's only $3.30 on JetPens and is easy to use. Plus, it looks pretty cool!



If you click the image, it will take you to the fine point blue-black version. I like fine points best, but a medium point is also available (I'd say in the Preppy, an F is similar to a .50mm Pilot G-2 gel pen, while an M is similar to the standard sized G-2 - .75mm? 1mm? but the size isn't exact). If you like it, once the cartridge runs out, you can then convert the pen to use bottled ink via eyedropper, which is pretty nice - bottled ink is loads more economical than cartridges, and there's less plastic waste.
keri: (j&w)
USPS.com says my new inks should be arriving tomorrow or Thursday!!! They just reached the sorting center downtown this afternoon/evening coming out of San Diego, so depending on how early they get to my local PO and get sorted for the delivery truck, I might just be lucky enough to see them tomorrow. :) The only thing is that the package has to arrive by 7 or 8am, I forget which, to get on the delivery truck that departs around 8:30/8:45pm and gets to our block around noon. So most likely it will be Thursday, but I can be surprised!

These are the inks I ordered, after much debate:


Twilight Blue
- because I love teal inks and this one has lovely shading according to the tests/examples I saw at the FountainPenNetwork forums. I want to use it for general use at work, so it's a nice, dark teal. plus it's got more saturation than the cartridges i had been using, which sometimes tended towards grey.
- check out the FPGeeks' Inkcyclopedia for this ink


Green/Black
- again, dark to be suitable for use at work, but still nicely saturated with color. i chose this because it's so dark but has the wonderful green tints. on my screen, this swatch from Diamine is a little darker/more blue than some of the examples at FPN


Eclipse
- and here is a nice black - except that it has great purply and blue bits and is a little bit metallic at times. the swatch is definitely more blue than the purple that all the examples on FPN showed. i wanted to have a pen filled with black for forms and such that the green or teal wouldn't be appropriate for, but i didn't want a true black, so there's this one.

These are the colors on my list to get soon:


Grape
- this is a lovely purple with reddish and grey tones, but nice and dark. it's saturated, but not super bright, which is something i like - so many of the more true, bright purples aren't colors i like to write with regularly these days (and I already have a bunch of Waterman purple cartridges and Diamine Imperial Purple cartridges if I want a bright shade - imperial purple is here)


Syrah
- I was thinking of "merlot brown", but after looking at comparison swatches and such, I think I'm going to go with Syrah, instead - it's a bit more saturated and deeper, less of a washed out brownish red. i don't want a crimson or bloodred ink, but i like this with the pink tones to it


J. Herbin's Larmes de Cassis
- when I'm ready for a sliiiightly more whimsical ink, I think this will be the one - I love how it's a purply reddish pink, nice and deep (this swatch seems to be a bit pale)

I love colors! paints and pastels and inks. when I was in high school, i had an enormous collection of Gelly Roll pens - over 35, I believe? almost every single color available (there were a few I lost or didn't bother with because they were useless for my purposes - i got a pack of the lightning ones, for example, but didn't get further additions to that line, because the silver element made a huge mess in my notebooks and was hard to read).

Here is my wishlist on JetPens.com, where you can see some of the pens and inks I like (keep in mind that I've already purchased several items on the page - I maintain it for repurchasing purposes): http://www.jetpens.com/wishlist?wish_list_id=267ea085d9b2081d

My most recent pen which I ADORE is the Sailor Clear Candy, which I bought in metallic pink. This one:


It writes like a dream, especially with the Sailor black ink cartridge that came with it - and it was only $16.50! I bought pink Clear Candy ink cartridges to replace the black, but it's likely going to be in charge of the Eclipse ink once I use up the pink, or if the pink turns out to be unsuitable for my notes at work. FWIW I don't really care to spend more than $30 on a pen, and it's hard to convince myself to spend more than $20. At least for now...

If you'd like to try a fountain pen and don't want to invest too much, I've found that the Platinum Preppy is rather nice. I'm not entirely fond of the color of the ink in the blue-black one (it tends to be a little grey for me - I like my inks to be highly saturated, though!), but it's only $3.30 on JetPens and is easy to use. Plus, it looks pretty cool!



If you click the image, it will take you to the fine point blue-black version. I like fine points best, but a medium point is also available (I'd say in the Preppy, an F is similar to a .50mm Pilot G-2 gel pen, while an M is similar to the standard sized G-2 - .75mm? 1mm? but the size isn't exact). If you like it, once the cartridge runs out, you can then convert the pen to use bottled ink via eyedropper, which is pretty nice - bottled ink is loads more economical than cartridges, and there's less plastic waste.
keri: ([france] strasbourg!)
So it's been ages, again, since I posted to LJ. This time it's because those fucking birth control pills were not right for me and my depression was pretty awful. Is pretty awful? I don't know. I just couldn't be bothered to do a lot of shit. I haven't participated much on LibraryThing in a few months, and my reading has slown down a lot, because I just can't muster the interest. But other interests are obsessively overwhelming me - fountain pens and Sorcerors of the Magic Kingdom. Those were partly retail indulgence (when I get depressed, I like to buy things and go on trips) and partly something Different and easy to obsess about, which gets my mind off of the other shit.

I ended up quitting the Ortho TriCyclen Lo after the second month. While it was better than the first month, it was still worse than nothing at all most of the time, and I didn't want to try another month to see if it'd get better. I mean, the WORST had cleared up, but it still wasn't good? And in the last 3 weeks, I've actually had periods where I'm feeling All Right (like today), even if other times (like all of last week and the week before, thanks to Suicide Prevention Day or whatever the fuck it was that trigged me like whoa) were bad. I mean, I screwed up at work in a huge, huge way 2 weeks ago because I just didn't care enough to try to figure out a better solution, and then the next week I was walking downtown and just burst into tears (my boss had scolded me, and I think that primed me for it, but I was dealing with it until randomly looking at a person walking by and then sobs? and also when I was at Disney last Tuesday, I kept starting to burst into tears for no discernable reason, especially when it was something kind of happy and nice happening?).

I think maaaybe I need to get a new job that doesn't stress me out for stupid shit (I don't like being responsible for revenue, it is really hard on me), and also pays me enough to be able to afford my own apartment. I don't even want a big place, just something with a separate bedroom from the living/kitchen space, and close enough to Sash's house that we can hang out as much as we want. But that's still kind of more expensive than I can afford right now. And I also worry that it's just my depression that is talking?

Anyway. I went to the gynocologist today for my annual, but it's been like 8 years since my last one. I was pleasantly surprised that my doctor remembers me! Even if she doesn't remember the details, she said that she seemed to remember seeing me more recently than 8 years ago, but time does fly... She's a really nice lady, though. Gave me a new script for a bc to help with the depression spikes that accompany my period, and I'm glad that I can trust that she'll immediately help fix things if it's not right, unlike my GP who is lovely but isn't as familiar with bc so has more of a wait-and-see approach.

I also went shopping today! I needed some new clothes that are stylish and look good and also FIT because I've gained weight since last year, and a lot of the clothes I bought last year don't fit comfortably at work. I bought a pair of wine-colored trousers and teal skinny leg chinos. The wine-colored ones are for dressier days, the teal ones are for more casual days (fridays, weekends). Next month, I'm going to budget some money to buy new sweaters - something chunky? and some chunky cardigans that go with both pairs of pants and my maroon pencil skirt. I love having richly colored pants/skirts. It's hard with sweaters, though, because I'm allergic to wool, and if I want something chunky or with an interesting neckline/collar, I tend to be out of luck. But all my sweaters from previous years are starting to look worn and faded, and they don't really match my new pants. (I also have a few shoes marked in the September Aerosoles catalogue that I'm dying for - lace-up boots, oxfords with heels, that kind of thing, but I'm going to have to find alternate brands with cheaper prices...)

I want to buy a few dresses that are more wintery, but I'm kind of despairing on that one. I prefer my dresses to have defined waistlines, because I am such an hourglass shape and sheaths and clingy knits tend to fit loosely up top and too snug around my hips, and then I feel frumpy. But I also want sleeves, and my broad shoulders tend to mean I have to go sleevless or capsleeves if I want the dress to fit everywhere else. Maybe I'll have to order from eshakti.com or whatever the site is... But when I get a dress, I need more textured and colorful tights.

I seem to suck at fashion, though? and I already have so many clothes that I don't really need more. But I feel so frumpy and gross when I wear a lot of it lately, so I don't know.



Anyway, another topic: I'm planning to go to France for about 10 days next September. I need someone to travel with me - I'm happy to go on my own, but I don't think that's wise. I'm having a hard time finding someone who's able to save the money and can get the time off work, though. I'm trying to save $100-$200/month, and whatever shortage I have, to open a credit card to cover the rest, and work on paying it off afterwards. (I COULD save for 2 years instead of 1, but my inability to plan for the future means it needs to be sooner rather than later.) I'm planning to run the number to find the cheapest way to get to Strasbourg - flying into Germany or Italy or France or wherever and taking a train in, possibly - and then stay there for the week-and-some, and rent a car for a couple excursions to Colmar, to Riquewhir, &c. I don't really plan to go to Paris unless we fly into/out of there, because I mostly prefer Strasbourg - I like how close it is to the Vosges mountains and to Germany and also there's the nostalgia factor of my study abroad trip. I'm expecting the trip to cost between $2000 and $3000, depending on the costs of flights and lodging (which can be less expensive if it's two people sharing a room, don't forget). thus, if I sock away $100-200/12 months, I should be able to save up for most of the cost.

Books - I need to post about some books I've been reading lately. My mom gave me her Kindle keyboard (3rd gen, I think), and I've been reading Guns, Germs, and Steel on it. I found some lesbian pulp fiction I'd downloaded ages ago for shits & giggles and was reading one of the books, but got distracted and never finished it. I'll have to do so and then post about it - it was surprisingly less porny than I expected and also a bit more sensitive of a portrayal, though it's still pretty stereotyped and very 1960s (when it was written, afaict).

Fountain pens - I've been quietly obsessed for several years, but a few months ago (a year ago?), it got rekindled, and over the summer, I managed to find the huge collecting community (mostly guys it seems, which is interesting but I'm not sure why). I also found jetpens.com to accompany xfountainpens.com on my list of Great Affordable FP Shops Online, and also FPGeeks.com, which have an "Inkcyclopedia" series that I love. It's something about watching Stephen write and seeing the inks...I'm starting to want to learn a better script so that I can also write fancy, but as it is, different elements are invading my style (it's already heavily influenced by the Palmer method, crossed with printing). (I got Sash hooked - she's always been interested in stationery, and then I gave her a cheap $3 pen, and she's all into it. She said her boyfriend was totally jealous, so I might get him one for winter holidays.)

I don't know what else I want to share with everyone. I haven't been in a mood to journal or anything for a while. I was keeping up notes about my mood & pain status in my daily planner, but I haven't even been up to that. It's just too much effort. Twitter is easy, though, I guess.
keri: ([france] strasbourg!)
So it's been ages, again, since I posted to LJ. This time it's because those fucking birth control pills were not right for me and my depression was pretty awful. Is pretty awful? I don't know. I just couldn't be bothered to do a lot of shit. I haven't participated much on LibraryThing in a few months, and my reading has slown down a lot, because I just can't muster the interest. But other interests are obsessively overwhelming me - fountain pens and Sorcerors of the Magic Kingdom. Those were partly retail indulgence (when I get depressed, I like to buy things and go on trips) and partly something Different and easy to obsess about, which gets my mind off of the other shit.

I ended up quitting the Ortho TriCyclen Lo after the second month. While it was better than the first month, it was still worse than nothing at all most of the time, and I didn't want to try another month to see if it'd get better. I mean, the WORST had cleared up, but it still wasn't good? And in the last 3 weeks, I've actually had periods where I'm feeling All Right (like today), even if other times (like all of last week and the week before, thanks to Suicide Prevention Day or whatever the fuck it was that trigged me like whoa) were bad. I mean, I screwed up at work in a huge, huge way 2 weeks ago because I just didn't care enough to try to figure out a better solution, and then the next week I was walking downtown and just burst into tears (my boss had scolded me, and I think that primed me for it, but I was dealing with it until randomly looking at a person walking by and then sobs? and also when I was at Disney last Tuesday, I kept starting to burst into tears for no discernable reason, especially when it was something kind of happy and nice happening?).

I think maaaybe I need to get a new job that doesn't stress me out for stupid shit (I don't like being responsible for revenue, it is really hard on me), and also pays me enough to be able to afford my own apartment. I don't even want a big place, just something with a separate bedroom from the living/kitchen space, and close enough to Sash's house that we can hang out as much as we want. But that's still kind of more expensive than I can afford right now. And I also worry that it's just my depression that is talking?

Anyway. I went to the gynocologist today for my annual, but it's been like 8 years since my last one. I was pleasantly surprised that my doctor remembers me! Even if she doesn't remember the details, she said that she seemed to remember seeing me more recently than 8 years ago, but time does fly... She's a really nice lady, though. Gave me a new script for a bc to help with the depression spikes that accompany my period, and I'm glad that I can trust that she'll immediately help fix things if it's not right, unlike my GP who is lovely but isn't as familiar with bc so has more of a wait-and-see approach.

I also went shopping today! I needed some new clothes that are stylish and look good and also FIT because I've gained weight since last year, and a lot of the clothes I bought last year don't fit comfortably at work. I bought a pair of wine-colored trousers and teal skinny leg chinos. The wine-colored ones are for dressier days, the teal ones are for more casual days (fridays, weekends). Next month, I'm going to budget some money to buy new sweaters - something chunky? and some chunky cardigans that go with both pairs of pants and my maroon pencil skirt. I love having richly colored pants/skirts. It's hard with sweaters, though, because I'm allergic to wool, and if I want something chunky or with an interesting neckline/collar, I tend to be out of luck. But all my sweaters from previous years are starting to look worn and faded, and they don't really match my new pants. (I also have a few shoes marked in the September Aerosoles catalogue that I'm dying for - lace-up boots, oxfords with heels, that kind of thing, but I'm going to have to find alternate brands with cheaper prices...)

I want to buy a few dresses that are more wintery, but I'm kind of despairing on that one. I prefer my dresses to have defined waistlines, because I am such an hourglass shape and sheaths and clingy knits tend to fit loosely up top and too snug around my hips, and then I feel frumpy. But I also want sleeves, and my broad shoulders tend to mean I have to go sleevless or capsleeves if I want the dress to fit everywhere else. Maybe I'll have to order from eshakti.com or whatever the site is... But when I get a dress, I need more textured and colorful tights.

I seem to suck at fashion, though? and I already have so many clothes that I don't really need more. But I feel so frumpy and gross when I wear a lot of it lately, so I don't know.



Anyway, another topic: I'm planning to go to France for about 10 days next September. I need someone to travel with me - I'm happy to go on my own, but I don't think that's wise. I'm having a hard time finding someone who's able to save the money and can get the time off work, though. I'm trying to save $100-$200/month, and whatever shortage I have, to open a credit card to cover the rest, and work on paying it off afterwards. (I COULD save for 2 years instead of 1, but my inability to plan for the future means it needs to be sooner rather than later.) I'm planning to run the number to find the cheapest way to get to Strasbourg - flying into Germany or Italy or France or wherever and taking a train in, possibly - and then stay there for the week-and-some, and rent a car for a couple excursions to Colmar, to Riquewhir, &c. I don't really plan to go to Paris unless we fly into/out of there, because I mostly prefer Strasbourg - I like how close it is to the Vosges mountains and to Germany and also there's the nostalgia factor of my study abroad trip. I'm expecting the trip to cost between $2000 and $3000, depending on the costs of flights and lodging (which can be less expensive if it's two people sharing a room, don't forget). thus, if I sock away $100-200/12 months, I should be able to save up for most of the cost.

Books - I need to post about some books I've been reading lately. My mom gave me her Kindle keyboard (3rd gen, I think), and I've been reading Guns, Germs, and Steel on it. I found some lesbian pulp fiction I'd downloaded ages ago for shits & giggles and was reading one of the books, but got distracted and never finished it. I'll have to do so and then post about it - it was surprisingly less porny than I expected and also a bit more sensitive of a portrayal, though it's still pretty stereotyped and very 1960s (when it was written, afaict).

Fountain pens - I've been quietly obsessed for several years, but a few months ago (a year ago?), it got rekindled, and over the summer, I managed to find the huge collecting community (mostly guys it seems, which is interesting but I'm not sure why). I also found jetpens.com to accompany xfountainpens.com on my list of Great Affordable FP Shops Online, and also FPGeeks.com, which have an "Inkcyclopedia" series that I love. It's something about watching Stephen write and seeing the inks...I'm starting to want to learn a better script so that I can also write fancy, but as it is, different elements are invading my style (it's already heavily influenced by the Palmer method, crossed with printing). (I got Sash hooked - she's always been interested in stationery, and then I gave her a cheap $3 pen, and she's all into it. She said her boyfriend was totally jealous, so I might get him one for winter holidays.)

I don't know what else I want to share with everyone. I haven't been in a mood to journal or anything for a while. I was keeping up notes about my mood & pain status in my daily planner, but I haven't even been up to that. It's just too much effort. Twitter is easy, though, I guess.
keri: (rgad - sad face)
All about my back problems this last week )

anyway. lots of whining and complaining because i'm tired of feeling useless and in pain. i can't even clean my room with all these days i have off from work!

so lemme leave a tip re: something that has bothered me all week:

when someone has some kind of chronic injury or pain and it flares up or whatever, don't ask "what did you do (to yourself)?". that's blaming them for something that they can't control and probably has nothing to do with what they did. if you're trying to show sympathy/concern, instead ask "what happened?" or "how long has it been like this?" or "is there anything i can do to help?" - because, seriously, implying that it's my fault that i'm in pain, when i do everything i can NOT to hurt? is pretty cruel. it's especially frustrating to me, this week, because i'd finally had a good night's sleep and felt not-depressed when it happened, and i can't bear the thought that any time I want to sleep well, I'm going to end up with a crooked back. (I sleep best on my stomach, my doctor said "oh, you know you shouldn't sleep on your stomach if you have back problems" i replied "yeah, tell that to me when i'm dead asleep and i usually fall asleep on my side, like i'm 'supposed to' do")

PS: lololol. a lot of people have suggested over the years that i get a hot tub or put a heating pad on when my back gets like this, and i always say "no, when i'm stiff/hurting, heat makes it worse". so on thursday, i did get into the tub. and it felt a bit less bad while i was in the water (even while i was mentally going 'ew ew ew gross gross gross' because i have this Thing about hottubs/baths/swimming pools). but as soon as i got out, i could tell that there was exactly 0 improvement, if not the exact opposite. so.
keri: (rgad - sad face)
All about my back problems this last week )

anyway. lots of whining and complaining because i'm tired of feeling useless and in pain. i can't even clean my room with all these days i have off from work!

so lemme leave a tip re: something that has bothered me all week:

when someone has some kind of chronic injury or pain and it flares up or whatever, don't ask "what did you do (to yourself)?". that's blaming them for something that they can't control and probably has nothing to do with what they did. if you're trying to show sympathy/concern, instead ask "what happened?" or "how long has it been like this?" or "is there anything i can do to help?" - because, seriously, implying that it's my fault that i'm in pain, when i do everything i can NOT to hurt? is pretty cruel. it's especially frustrating to me, this week, because i'd finally had a good night's sleep and felt not-depressed when it happened, and i can't bear the thought that any time I want to sleep well, I'm going to end up with a crooked back. (I sleep best on my stomach, my doctor said "oh, you know you shouldn't sleep on your stomach if you have back problems" i replied "yeah, tell that to me when i'm dead asleep and i usually fall asleep on my side, like i'm 'supposed to' do")

PS: lololol. a lot of people have suggested over the years that i get a hot tub or put a heating pad on when my back gets like this, and i always say "no, when i'm stiff/hurting, heat makes it worse". so on thursday, i did get into the tub. and it felt a bit less bad while i was in the water (even while i was mentally going 'ew ew ew gross gross gross' because i have this Thing about hottubs/baths/swimming pools). but as soon as i got out, i could tell that there was exactly 0 improvement, if not the exact opposite. so.
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